December 24, 2010 in holiday, christmas,
If you know me really well, you probably know that I love Christmas. I love the songs, I love the decorations, I especially love the gifts — I wish I could have it all year ‘round! That’s why I feel inspired to offer this brief primer on how to capture the spirit of the holidays.
The first step is to decide on your priority: is it presents, or is it the Christmas roast? Of course, everybody loves presents, and the more the better, so it’s tempting to focus on that; but, often, it’s time with your family that’s the most memorable years later, and that often includes the delicious, gigantic roast that so many families enjoy this time of year.
Me, I’m a bit crazy for the idea of cooking this year — I think I’ll roast my first goose. Which is why I’m inclined to plan ahead and go for the capture earlier, rather than later. But, if you’re focused on gifts, you have a lot easier job, both in set-up and in what methods you use for the capture.
Really, if what you want is the gifts, the best strategy is to set up some fishing wire right outside the chimney flue. Then, Santa trips, and you just have to run out from behind the tree and hit him upside the head, and you can capture him and take the big bag of gifts.
If you like, you can make it automatic, by the use of pulleys and assorted contraptions.
You can always go for the old narrow-the-chimney option. Just put a sleeve in there and wait for the fat man in red to get stuck. Wait a few days and he won’t put up any resistance as you go in and fish out that bag of gifts. Now, be warned that it’ll smell awful for a few days, but the payoff is gigantic.
There’s of course the sedative option; but then you have the challenge of anticipating Santa’s body weight and setting the dosage appropriately. After all, if his belly is shaking like a larger bowl full of jelly than usual, you just have an angry, dizzy old elf; if he’s slimmed down, per his HMO’s instructions (or does the North Pole have socialized medicine?), then you’re liable to put him down for good! No, that’s an approach best left to the anesthesiologists.
Executing your plan in the comfort of your home is a great way to get yourself a big ‘ol bag of gifts. But, if you want more, then you should get more. If you tackle Santa’s whole sleigh, you stand to capture a whole lot more on a chilly Christmas evening! Of course, you’ve multiplied your level of difficulty by many times. I recommend booby-trapping your roof.
If you choose this strategy, you get the delicious bonus of an unforgettable Christmas roast. I certainly couldn’t turn that down.
Whatever way you go, I encourage you to capture the spirit of the holidays this year. Having Santa under your control will be a delightful reversal of fortune. Just please wait until after he’s come to my house, because I want my loot too. Don’t worry, I won’t keep him for myself; as you can plainly see from reading this, I’m already filled with the true spirit of the holiday.
December 17, 2010 in holiday, christmas, true-life stories,
You know those Christmas lights that you always hear about burning down houses? Yeah, we have those hanging up in our house.
They’re called Santa Lights, and my grandparents got them when my father was just a tyke. For years after that, the Santa Lights lit the family Christmas trees; now they sit wrapped around one of our windows. We turn them on when we’re cold and want to heat the entire room. Somehow, despite this gigantic thermal production, the Santa Lights never set a Christmas tree on fire. They even operate with one light burnt out! I guess you could say that they’re good-quality.
It’s great how they made things back then. Not only does the documentation state that the Santa Lights are suitable for “use on AC or DC current” — who’s wired for DC anymore? Heck, who was still wired for DC back then? — but they come in a great-looking package, complete with extra 15ยข lights:
We have a lot of other great retro decorations as well. There’s the paper stocking that hangs on the bedroom door, complete with fun-loving holiday elves:
There’s the Christmas Tree skirt, which frankly isn’t particularly dramatic but has somehow held up for years (also: totally flammable too!):
And then there’s the highlight, the glass ornaments. I was never allowed to put these on a tree when I was little — on the few occasions we had trees — because they’re breakable. (Don’t worry, we had unbreakable ornaments too!) Some of these ornaments are painted, others are just shiny, but they’re all great:
Growing up, these would come out every Christmas, old friends I was excited to see again; always these, never new decorations. We were a Christmas equipment-keeping type of family. Decorations went away into a big black leather duffel, dusty from its long life in closets playing the role of storage rather than that of carriage, that came out only at Christmas. But, most of all, we saved wrapping paper.
Those ads on TV, where the kids would open their presents with abandon? Yeah, I was jealous of those. I longed for the unrestrained exhilaration of the TV giftees, ripping their wrapping paper asunder, their faces changing from eager anticipation to beaming joy as the ragged, torn paper was thrown aside and the wonderful box within revealed. We carefully released the tape that held our presents shut, delicately unfolded the paper, setting it aside carefully — and, equally carefully, removing the bow and the tag! — before we looked at the goodie contained therein.
After we’d opened the bounty Santa had brought, there was always clean-up. The wrapping paper, painstakingly set aside during the opening of the presents, would be folded and packed away; the bows put in one bag, the ribbon in another, the tags in a third (if you were smart, you’d kept three separate piles as you opened your presents); and all of it would be put in a closet, to sit safely away and appear again come wrapping-time next year.
Of course, in many ways our pack-rattiness was convenient. Sure, paper got creased and patterns faded; sure, the stickum on the bottom of bows dried out and the little loop of scotch tape you used to fix the bow on made it bounce like a spring over the present; but you already had all of the cards you needed made up. To Mom, from Wade? There! From Grandma, to Wade? Ditto! Even Santa had cards made up from him to provide for anonymous gifts.
And, of course, it was fun because all of these old friends could come out year after year. Hello wrapping paper that I liked last year; hello gift bag I wish I’d gotten; hello tag that was on the best gift of all, I hope you’ve got something good for me this year too!
Now we’ve inherited all of our Christmas goodies, passed down from grandparents to parents to, finally, our little household. And it really is exciting to see everything again, and it really does make this place feel like home. I love it. But we don’t re-use our wrapping paper anymore, no siree. This year, I get to tear my gifts open with abandon, because we make some new traditions here too.
December 16, 2010 in christmas, holiday, reviews,
I know that you’ve been waiting for some kind of guidance on what to get your friends for Christmas or Hanukkah this year. Here at Juniorbird.com, we’re always looking to improve the quality-of-life of our beloved readers. Part of this is letting you know about the finest items that our skilled operatives have bought and tested this year. For your holiday shopping convenience, please enjoy these products that we are confident will change your life.
Whiskey Glass
I’m a big Scotch fan; I enjoy a tipple on many a cooler evening, or a weekend afternoon in front of the TV. But a delicious single malt is pricey, so you want to get the most flavor for it and you also want to drink it at a very responsible rate. Your typical 8oz tumbler isn’t great for either of these: a solid ounce- to ounce-and-a-half pour doesn’t go far, and the straight-sided design doesn’t collect any of the luscious (depending on your point of view) smells.
So I got this scotch whiskey glass. It’s been a revelation! Every scotch tastes not only better, but different than with a tumbler. I can detect many more subtle variations, and the abrasive alcohol-y notes are minimized. Or, my mind tricks me into experiencing that way. I guess I’m a cheap placebo date!
Also, it’s helped those bottles of Scotch last longer, because it’s just not tempting to make a Mad Men-style healthy pour when you have an appropriately-sized glass. For instance, observe the difference when I pour in a pony — that’s about an ounce — of Scotch:
Obviously, the big glass on the left is your standard tumbler, and on the right is the Scotch glass. You can barely guess that it’s the same amount! It’s much easier to sip and enjoy from that Scotch glass.
Epson Flatbed & Negative Scanner
If you shoot film, then this is the scanner for you. I wanted to scan in all of the black-and-white photos I’d shot and developed, since, you know, who looks at printed photos anymore? They’re no good for tagging on Facebook. Unfortunately, your typical highly-rated film scanner runs well over a thousand dollars.
This nifty flatbed isn’t too big — so it doesn’t take up enough room for your spouse to start complaining about how your hobby is taking over the house, or at least not past the caustic chemicals you’re using in the tub — and has an attachment for scanning negatives and slides. The included software is easy-to-use and takes great scans. Definitely my bridge between film and digital.
Kitchen TV
This is a funny recommendation, because, while we have this 9” under-counter TV in our kitchen, I’m not sure I’d recommend it. This is a replacement unit; our first one died a couple of weeks after arrival, and there’s a lot of reviews like that on the web. On the other hand, when it works, this is truly one of the best things ever. Courtney and I honestly fight to see who gets to do the dishes, just so we can watch our TV or DVDs on it.
I ran a long coax cable around a doorway from our Tivo so we can watch Tivoed shows on it too. (Pity that the remote doesn’t work from over in the kitchen — no skipping ads!) Having this TV really does change the experience of using the kitchen — cooking and cleaning are much more fun. Ya do have to watch out and actually pay attention while using sharp things and fire, but, if you have that kind of self-discipline, I highly recommend you buy a TV like this for your own kitchen!
Waterproof Camera
With the good-enough cameras that you find on most cell phones these days there’s not a heck of a lot of reason to own a point-and-shoot. Nonetheless, I’m recommending this one for one specific reason — it’s waterproof. Unlike your cell phone, you can take it to the pool, take it on the boat, and even take it to the beach and not have to worry about it getting stolen while you’re swimming — since it’ll be with you!
This little Panasonic takes some great photos. It’s easy-to-use and has a ton of settings, handy and quasi-artsy. Get this camera or one like it, and take it everywhere and have a good time. Heck, get the floating camera strap so you don’t need to worry about dropping it in the lake.
(Yes, it’s an older model — often you can save a bunch by getting a last-generation camera. For the past 4-5 years sensors and autofocus have been good enough that you don’t get a ton of benefit from getting the latest stuff — an older model is still great.)
If you’re still looking for some gifts, I highly recommend all four of these. Well, three of these four, and one more in the category of the one I described. Go to town this holiday season, get yourself a nice treat like one of these!
December 14, 2010 in t-shirt, swag, christmas,
In our house, we have three pets. You may have met some of them in these pages. We have the dog, who is very good:
We have the cockatoo, who is well-meaning and has a sweet heart:
And then there’s the silver pet, who is a little bit more of my pet than my wife’s, perhaps:
Silver pet really likes to think it owns the place. It lounges all over the place, taking up all the best seats:
 
It even gets into the other pets’ stuff:
Yes, silver pet can be kind of a bully, stealing attention away from everyone else. Which is kind of unfair, because that means that the attention doesn’t go to who it should, the most important pet:
Everybody has their own most important pet. This holiday season, join us here at Juniorbird.com in getting them something to show them how you feel! Like, for instance, this gorgeous piece of work:
Update: Now available in long-sleeved too!
Yes, the 2010 Juniorbird.com t-shirt is all about the most important pet in this household. But, if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, check out some of our other styles from past years, we’ve got shirts for writers, photographers, and foodies as well! Happy Holidays, everybody!
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